Wednesday, 30 December 2020

12. Heading Forward with Health and Happiness


2020 has been surprisingly good to you.  Unexpectedly so.  You’re astonished to find that you’ve ended the year in a better mental state than you can remember in a long, looooong time, and this makes you feel – whisper it – happy about the future.

The very things that have proved difficult for others this year – the inability to do what you want with who you want, when you want – have been the very things that have healed your soul.  You have the silence of the world, the absence of the clutter of people and events.  Lockdown has suited you, spiritually, and through it you have found strength.

Not only did you Love Furlough, you loved living in a world where everything had to slow down, and maybe part of your happiness is because you no longer feel the world is racing away from you.  It has been within your reach all year, and whilst sometimes you have been breathless from the chase, most of the time you feel that you have finally ARRIVED.

The absence of things has been so good for you – deserted streets, a sparsely populated office, less noise in the world – that you have forgotten this is not normal lol.  An only child in every way, the lack of connection has been your emotional touchstone for your entire life, and the anti-social person at your core has been soothed by it.

The year has not been without its tempests.  January was foul, and when you finally hit the stride of success in February, you were told it was a fluke.  And then just as you were proving them wrong in March, lockdown brought a premature curtain down on your success.  You’ve been heartbroken, grief-stricken, ultra-anxious … and you’ve SURVIVED. 

You were shocked in October when, driving to work, you heard a foreign sound.  You were singing.  You were in shock, and in thrall, to a sound and an expression of joy that had been alien to you for literal years.  You NEVER sing out loud, and yet here you were, exhausting yourself with happiness.

You almost felt mentally free around then too.  You were as “fine” as you can be.  No darkness; not blinding light either, but definitely sunshine and a lightness of spirit that was like a stranger to you.  You got your BOUNCE back.  The reunion was sooo sweet.

Your truest self has an aspect to it that’s hard to describe, although you can picture it perfectly.  It’s not quite cocky, but it’s relentless, and for many weeks you felt that nothing could knock you down, and you thrived, genuinely happy for the first time in … how long?  10 years? 15?  Maybe even longer.

You know this feeling is in part due to the “work” you have done on yourself this year.  The growth through learning and understanding, examining your grief, and getting closer to the real you than you have in 20 years.  You finally woke up, and realised this Snow Globe you were trapped in all along was one you climbed into, imprisoned yourself in, thinking it would bring you safety from the trauma of the world. 

All it did was seal you off from life.  Nothing touched you.  Nothing reached you, and it’s only now you realise that part of you has been dead for many years.  For nearly half your lifetime – certainly the years you count as being your adult life – you have lived in denial and self-destruction.

The clouds began to break sometime in June, and ever since, you have heard the distant clangs of the universe sliding into place, finally ready (because you are ready) to transport you into the next part of your life.  There are too many coincidences afoot – the 20 year anniversary of your mother’s death; your daughter leaving soon for university; nothing to tie you to the ghost town where you live or the ex-husband in whose shadow you have withered. 

You feel like the Universe is creating the world’s hugest reset button for you.  Within 12 months, everything about your life could be different.  Where you live, what you do, who you are, your purpose.  The world is opening to you, and beckoning you in, begging you to choose something that will restore your happiness, and make up for all the opportunities you squandered.  You are being restored, revived, and the universe is breathing life back into you.  Nothing is impossible now.

It is time for new.  It is time for you.


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