2020 has
been surprisingly good to you.
Unexpectedly so. You’re
astonished to find that you’ve ended the year in a better mental state than you
can remember in a long, looooong time, and this makes you feel – whisper it –
happy about the future.
The very
things that have proved difficult for others this year – the inability to do
what you want with who you want, when you want – have been the very things that
have healed your soul. You have the
silence of the world, the absence of the clutter of people and events. Lockdown has suited you, spiritually, and
through it you have found strength.
Not only did
you Love Furlough, you loved living in a world where everything had to slow
down, and maybe part of your happiness is because you no longer feel the world
is racing away from you. It has been
within your reach all year, and whilst sometimes you have been breathless from
the chase, most of the time you feel that you have finally ARRIVED.
The absence
of things has been so good for you – deserted streets, a sparsely populated
office, less noise in the world – that you have forgotten this is not normal
lol. An only child in every way, the
lack of connection has been your emotional touchstone for your entire life, and
the anti-social person at your core has been soothed by it.
The year has
not been without its tempests. January
was foul, and when you finally hit the stride of success in February, you were
told it was a fluke. And then just as
you were proving them wrong in March, lockdown brought a premature curtain down
on your success. You’ve been
heartbroken, grief-stricken, ultra-anxious … and you’ve SURVIVED.
You were
shocked in October when, driving to work, you heard a foreign sound. You were singing. You were in shock, and in thrall, to a sound
and an expression of joy that had been alien to you for literal years. You NEVER sing out loud, and yet here you
were, exhausting yourself with happiness.
You almost
felt mentally free around then too. You
were as “fine” as you can be. No
darkness; not blinding light either, but definitely sunshine and a lightness of
spirit that was like a stranger to you. You got your BOUNCE back. The reunion was sooo sweet.
Your truest self has an aspect to it that’s hard to describe, although you can picture it perfectly. It’s not quite cocky, but it’s relentless, and for many weeks you felt that nothing could knock you down, and you thrived, genuinely happy for the first time in … how long? 10 years? 15? Maybe even longer.
You know
this feeling is in part due to the “work” you have done on yourself this
year. The growth through learning and
understanding, examining your grief, and getting closer to the real you than
you have in 20 years. You finally woke
up, and realised this Snow Globe you were trapped in all along was one you
climbed into, imprisoned yourself in, thinking it would bring you safety from
the trauma of the world.
All it did
was seal you off from life. Nothing
touched you. Nothing reached you, and
it’s only now you realise that part of you has been dead for many years. For nearly half your lifetime – certainly the
years you count as being your adult life – you have lived in denial and
self-destruction.
The clouds
began to break sometime in June, and ever since, you have heard the distant
clangs of the universe sliding into place, finally ready (because you are
ready) to transport you into the next part of your life. There are too many coincidences afoot – the
20 year anniversary of your mother’s death; your daughter leaving soon for
university; nothing to tie you to the ghost town where you live or the
ex-husband in whose shadow you have withered.
You feel like
the Universe is creating the world’s hugest reset button for you. Within 12 months, everything about your life
could be different. Where you live, what
you do, who you are, your purpose. The
world is opening to you, and beckoning you in, begging you to choose something
that will restore your happiness, and make up for all the opportunities you
squandered. You are being restored,
revived, and the universe is breathing life back into you. Nothing is impossible now.
It is time
for new. It is time for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment