Monday, 28 December 2020

10. The Unique Agony of Heartbreak


 

Rage

I have so much rage.

Rage for you

Rage for me

Rage for me falling for hope

AGAIN

Rage that I was so fucking stupid

Rage that I never learn

Rage that I couldn’t stay there, withholding and safe

Rage that my heart yearned for something I’d forgotten I wanted.

Rage for all the things you said

Which I believed.

Rage for how I now think you said them to lure me in.

Rage at how they counted for nothing.

Rage at how you made me feel,

That goddamit you made me fucking FEEL.

Rage that I loved it.

Rage that you let me go like a snap of your fingers.

Rage that despite everything you said, it couldn’t have been true.

Rage that if it was true, you were so willing to give it up.

Rage.

Rage that I can’t stop fucking thinking about you

Rage that you’re still in my head, fucking me over, doing me in

Fuelling my rage, doing me in.

Rage that you cared more about hurting the feelings of a woman you don’t love than you do for a woman you allegedly do

Rage that you didn’t fight for me

Yearn for me

Regret for me

Reach out for me.

Rage that you gave up on me.

And I don’t know how to undo you

How to undo the hurt

The rage

The shame

The feeling of being an idiot

The mistake of you

The hope of you

The fucking yearning of you and everything you offered

The dream of you

The actual believing I could finally have everything I ever wanted

And the stupidity of me.

The fucking utter stupidity of me

The believer in me

The lurer in you

The hoper in me

The compartments of you

The dreamer in me

And the nightmare of you.

I don’t know what hurts more

Realising I still want the things I trained myself not to want

Or the sting of them being snatched away

Or the bitterness of feeling played

But who played me, me or you

I was definitely part of the crime

I stood on the cliff and I chose to jump

I chose to believe

I chose to hope

Fucking hope

You led us along every step of the way

It was always you who inched us forward

Always you who took the next step

And whenever I needed you to confirm those steps, you were silent

Non-committal you said

Over-thinker you called me

Yes, but there’s reasons for that

There’s suspicions for that

There’s things that don’t add up for that

There’s messages not read for that,

Messages not replied to

Messages ignored

Sudden swerves

The absence of messages

The absence of thoughts

The on and off of it all

And just … the rage of it all.

I want my mind to hush

I want to never have known you

I want to never have discussed the things we did

I want to never have had the hope

I want to feel whole again

Impervious again

Not needing again

But life changes us, always fucking changes us

And yes we learn but oh how we hurt

And yes we grow evolve and bleed and die inside

But it doesn’t change the core of who we are

The hoper

The heart

The optimist

Doomed to be hurt

Destined to feel too intensely

Unless I become a hermit

Or cold

Or cynical

Or dust

You can’t turn off who you are

Anymore than they can turn off the lies that come out of their mouth

Or the things they say to get what they want.

And now you sit with a knot in your stomach

And a scab on your heart

A fissure in your head

And a bruise on your soul

You can’t undo it

Even though you want to

Even though you hate this

The rage won’t die

The hope won’t die

And you realise, neither will you

You will get through this, over this, endure this

Recover, reset, revive

If only the fucking hope would die.

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