I have so much rage.
Rage for you
Rage for me
Rage for me falling for hope
Rage that I was so fucking stupid
Rage that I never learn
Rage that I couldn’t stay there, withholding and safe
Rage that my heart yearned for something I’d forgotten I wanted.
Rage for all the things you said
Which I believed.
Rage for how I now think you said them to lure me in.
Rage at how they counted for nothing.
Rage at how you made me feel,
That goddamit you made me fucking FEEL.
Rage that I loved it.
Rage that you let me go like a snap of your fingers.
Rage that despite everything you said, it couldn’t have been true.
Rage that if it was true, you were so willing to give it up.
Rage that I can’t stop fucking thinking about you
Rage that you’re still in my head, fucking me over, doing me in
Fuelling my rage, doing me in.
Rage that you cared more about hurting the feelings of a woman you don’t love than you do for a woman you allegedly do
Rage that you didn’t fight for me
Yearn for me
Regret for me
Reach out for me.
Rage that you gave up on me.
And I don’t know how to undo you
How to undo the hurt
The feeling of being an idiot
The mistake of you
The hope of you
The fucking yearning of you and everything you offered
The dream of you
The actual believing I could finally have everything I ever wanted
And the stupidity of me.
The fucking utter stupidity of me
The believer in me
The lurer in you
The hoper in me
The compartments of you
The dreamer in me
And the nightmare of you.
I don’t know what hurts more
Realising I still want the things I trained myself not to want
Or the sting of them being snatched away
Or the bitterness of feeling played
But who played me, me or you
I was definitely part of the crime
I stood on the cliff and I chose to jump
I chose to believe
I chose to hope
You led us along every step of the way
It was always you who inched us forward
Always you who took the next step
And whenever I needed you to confirm those steps, you were silent
Non-committal you said
Over-thinker you called me
Yes, but there’s reasons for that
There’s suspicions for that
There’s things that don’t add up for that
There’s messages not read for that,
Messages not replied to
The absence of messages
The absence of thoughts
The on and off of it all
And just … the rage of it all.
I want my mind to hush
I want to never have known you
I want to never have discussed the things we did
I want to never have had the hope
I want to feel whole again
Not needing again
But life changes us, always fucking changes us
And yes we learn but oh how we hurt
And yes we grow evolve and bleed and die inside
But it doesn’t change the core of who we are
Doomed to be hurt
Destined to feel too intensely
Unless I become a hermit
You can’t turn off who you are
Anymore than they can turn off the lies that come out of their mouth
Or the things they say to get what they want.
And now you sit with a knot in your stomach
And a scab on your heart
A fissure in your head
And a bruise on your soul
You can’t undo it
Even though you want to
Even though you hate this
The rage won’t die
The hope won’t die
And you realise, neither will you
You will get through this, over this, endure this
Recover, reset, revive
If only the fucking hope would die.