Rage
I have so
much rage.
Rage for you
Rage for me
Rage for me
falling for hope
AGAIN
Rage that I
was so fucking stupid
Rage that I
never learn
Rage that I
couldn’t stay there, withholding and safe
Rage that my
heart yearned for something I’d forgotten I wanted.
Rage for all
the things you said
Which I
believed.
Rage for how
I now think you said them to lure me in.
Rage at how
they counted for nothing.
Rage at how
you made me feel,
That
goddamit you made me fucking FEEL.
Rage that I
loved it.
Rage that
you let me go like a snap of your fingers.
Rage that
despite everything you said, it couldn’t have been true.
Rage that if
it was true, you were so willing to give it up.
Rage.
Rage that I
can’t stop fucking thinking about you
Rage that
you’re still in my head, fucking me over, doing me in
Fuelling my rage, doing me in.
Rage that
you cared more about hurting the feelings of a woman you don’t love than you do
for a woman you allegedly do
Rage that
you didn’t fight for me
Yearn for me
Regret for
me
Reach out
for me.
Rage that
you gave up on me.
And I don’t
know how to undo you
How to undo
the hurt
The rage
The shame
The feeling
of being an idiot
The mistake
of you
The hope of
you
The fucking
yearning of you and everything you offered
The dream of
you
The actual
believing I could finally have everything I ever wanted
And the
stupidity of me.
The fucking
utter stupidity of me
The believer
in me
The lurer in
you
The hoper in
me
The
compartments of you
The dreamer
in me
And the
nightmare of you.
I don’t know
what hurts more
Realising I
still want the things I trained myself not to want
Or the sting
of them being snatched away
Or the
bitterness of feeling played
But who played
me, me or you
I was
definitely part of the crime
I stood on
the cliff and I chose to jump
I chose to
believe
I chose to
hope
Fucking hope
You led us
along every step of the way
It was
always you who inched us forward
Always you
who took the next step
And whenever
I needed you to confirm those steps, you were silent
Non-committal
you said
Over-thinker
you called me
Yes, but
there’s reasons for that
There’s
suspicions for that
There’s
things that don’t add up for that
There’s
messages not read for that,
Messages not
replied to
Messages
ignored
Sudden
swerves
The absence
of messages
The absence
of thoughts
The on and
off of it all
And just …
the rage of it all.
I want my
mind to hush
I want to
never have known you
I want to
never have discussed the things we did
I want to
never have had the hope
I want to
feel whole again
Impervious
again
Not needing
again
But life
changes us, always fucking changes us
And yes we
learn but oh how we hurt
And yes we
grow evolve and bleed and die inside
But it
doesn’t change the core of who we are
The hoper
The heart
The optimist
Doomed to be
hurt
Destined to
feel too intensely
Unless I
become a hermit
Or cold
Or cynical
Or dust
You can’t
turn off who you are
Anymore than
they can turn off the lies that come out of their mouth
Or the
things they say to get what they want.
And now you
sit with a knot in your stomach
And a scab
on your heart
A fissure in
your head
And a bruise
on your soul
You can’t
undo it
Even though
you want to
Even though
you hate this
The rage won’t
die
The hope won’t
die
And you
realise, neither will you
You will get
through this, over this, endure this
Recover,
reset, revive
If only the
fucking hope would die.
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